I feel like I'm screaming inside..

My mom says this constantly throughout the day.
It's easy to get lost in this big house with so much stuff.
My dad was diagnosed with thyroid cancer last week..
He had a tumor removed from the back of his right leg and from the top of his head yesterday for a biopsy.
He wanted me to drive him to North Hills for the appointment after we drove to Lancaster to pick up his motorcycle, I declined.
Now that he is all doped up on Morphine I have to drive him to his doctors appointment in Valencia.
Now, I feel like I'm screaming inside..
My heart is going to explode.
My sister starts drinking wine in the morning, now I see why.
My mom drinks a bottle of chardonnay every night before bed with a pill for anxiety.

DR. SCRUB

SO. I'm walking to my drs appointment which shares a building with a bunch of scrubs. (It's a nurse in training school) & all these scrubs were blocking the walkway.. I made my way between them and as I approached the stairs one of the girls says "you could say excuse me" then some other girl chimes in "ho!" I wanted to say "you could just not all gather in the freaking walkway bitch!!" But I am in no mood to fight a gang of scrubs. 
PLUS, they are LITERALLY the most ghetto group of AV garbage that I would never even trust taking my blood pressure - so seriously,
"Get the fuck out of my way, trash"
would have been more appropriate. 
 #idontwantnoscrub 

Journal Things

October 15th 2010
Sorry to all the people I may let down while I stomple down the runway of happiness.
It's an important obsticle, it's much too important.
What is the Dr. gunan do for you?
I am so excited and optimistic about  life.
I'm a teeter-totter
I thought that I was abandoned an hour ago, but I wasn't.
I'm on my way to the Hollywood Bowl to see Sleighbells and LCD Soundsystem with Justin.
Some fairy told me to be dark and evil and full of drugs so I called into work, at magic mountain, I couldn't miss out on this.
My happiness is much too important!

October 19th, 2010
Lets create!
We are spending all of our 1/2 empty thoughts over our counter then wiping ALL the shannanagins down with 409.
Lets talk about creating, suplicationg, redoing the redone
and lets make a ball sofa for the bedroom.


HOLY FIKE CRUST!
HOLY BIKE CRUST!
(FUCK HOLY BUTTCRUST?)

*Blog Names: Mama was an opium Smoker, Bend over I'll drive *Dead Head baby

Listening to....

Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich - Hold Tight

Photo Ideas
-Fat boy (&girl) with a birthday cake & a party hat
Bugs in cake, black in teeth, striped tshirt, bib, smashed present, barefoot/gross feet, stained clothing, popped ballons? 1 baloon with something odd/funny on it.
-Fire extinguiser photos

Animal Masks @ Idol Vintage between Velencia & Gurrero on 16th st, SF

SMC:
belly dancing radstake (radshackdee)

Pacific Design Center
-steakhouses
-diners
-universal
-hospital
-pharmicist
- P.I
-Psychologist
-Stewardist

YOU'RE THE BULLSHITTING
BUTTCRACK
UNDERWEEAR
PANTYLINER
HAIR, JEANS, VIOLENT W/O MEN

Nothing Matters

You can sell your soul for Satans BBQ
while living life on the road.
You can settle in a fancy house and recall all the stories you've been told.
You can wear all the fancy hats and have your shoes shined every day,
or sell it all for a ball of yarn and live on a mighty high stack of hay.
Nothing matters.
It's all the same.
There's one way out back from where you came.
to the land of no worries, deadlines or traffic ..
to the land of no despair.
A place with no heartbreak and where nothing is tragic
a place with nothing anywhere.
There are no feelings of up or down
No one is lost or afraid
Memories forgotten
and all the words unspoken will never be spoken again.

Feeling overwhelmed...

I wish that I had stayed in New York when I had a job at a Raw food place IN MY HAND.
I should have listened to my mom when she told me to stay.
"Push back your flight... stay a little longer and see how it goes."
I didn't #listen..
I felt like I had un-finished business back in LA, meaning my job at Universal.
I was on the schedule.
I remember feeling like I was loosing my mind once I stepped out of the car back onto the streets of Hollywood.
"WHY am I here?"
I screamed in my head ... and probably out loud...
I had an appointment at the Gay & Lesbian Center, which I just so happened to pick as my mental health center on accident.
Everyone there was very nice but not very helpful.
Hollywood wasn't very helpful.
I should have never trusted Hollywood.

My mom used to listen to me when I needed someone to talk to, but hasn't had time to care since my dad was diagnosed with thyroid cancer.
Not to mention, she has her own stuff going on..
My sisters have their own stuff going on....
Everyone has their own stuff going on but each person in my family seems to be loosing it
and each person is extremely unapproachable.
I understand it, I would just like to be in a more loving environment.

I need love and happiness in my life...
Everyone does.

Everything feels like its shitting on me and there aren't enough hours in the day to clean it all up.
This isn't a woe is me post.
This is me venting.
Trying to come up with a final solution...conclusion...
The conclusion is this....
I have to remain calm, stay positive and make plans for the future without putting blame on anyone for anything that has happened in the past.
Everyone should express how they feel and communicate to one another.

I have to stop all of the "could have, would have, should have" and start making the right decisions.
I was using white out the other day when my friend Steve said, "Mikki, why are you using white-out? Do it right the first time."
So... That's what I'll start doing...
Making the right decisions..
Proofreading.
Taking my time if I have to.
We have one life.
Listen.
To.
Your.
Heart.

I remember Halloween

Playing in Photoshop is fun when you aren't working on what you are supposed to be working on.

The Sun

The Sun is shining on you, it's your time for success, joy and happiness. You will feel confident and full of vitality. It's a time to celebrate with friends and loved ones, perhaps enjoy a well-earned holiday, a time of pleasure and good news around children or the conception or birth of a longed-for baby. If you are not feeling this way take heart, you will enter this period soon.

The Magician

A time of positive action with great potential, you are full of self-belief and feeling very empowered. It's time to show everyone exactly what you're made of. You will have the ability to think on your feet and The Magician is an excellent omen for success.