Ahh! AHH! AHHH!!

Hi. I'm Michelean.
& I already have a blog.
As a matter of fact, I have 3 blogs..
3 blogs, a livejournal, and a deadjournal.
I have so many handwritten journals, even I don't know they exist. But, where are they?
Who has time to sit down and write?
Before I have time to write what I thought a new thought has already been thunk'en.
No point to that ^ really.
Here I am. And, I'm making a new one.
A fresh start. A clean slate.
A bad url, I cant even remember what it is.
For some reason, when it comes to the name game, I loose.
But this one, this one is going to be the one.
THE [online] JOURNAL.
The one that I don't have to hide from anyone.
The one that I will tell no one of.
So, see? It's like its just between you and me.
Just like its supposed to be.
No online networking.
"Fuck facebook, in the face."
I couldn't agree more.
But why?
Why this new journal?
Why this deleting of the facebook?
Good question.
All of this is due to an unfortunate love attack.
I am convinced that he had three personalities.
All three of them broke my heart, unintentionally.
Or was it intentionally?
I'll never know.
Or will I?!
The only way I will ever find out if he still cares for me is if he finds me,
I am slowly removing myself and removing him from me piece by piece.
Mainly because I can not bear to look at him.
With ex lovers that's all I wanted to do.
Look at them, break into their myspaces, read their cell phone conversations and get furious,
and usually let it ruin my day.
Or, do a bunch of drugs then go out and buy something that I'll never wear.
Just because I have to buy, something.
I wish that I could text him right now, and tell him how much he means to me.
I am in one of those moods where I would totally bolt to his house like a bat out of hell, just to scream and cry that I love him, dammit.
Fuck, I have to move my car.
It's blocking the driveway.
If I get in it I'm scared that I will end up in Culver City... banging on someone's front door.
"I love you, dammit! Why are you doing this to me?!"
But who knows which of the three will answer?
He could be in one of those crazy moods that no one wants to see.
The one that's madly in love with me..
Or the one that burns himself and is continually attention seeking.
Its just another one of those loves, that makes me wish I had never loved at all.
& who would want a crazy lady banging on their door at 3 am, really?

Listening to: the sound of my phone making text message sounds...
which is the opening to 'Don't Cry Out' by The Shiny Toy Guns.
I have to change that.
It's driving me crazy.
& it reminds me of he who must not be named.